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Where to even begin... :(
Well. Today was a HORRIBLE day. Let's just say that my horrible intuitions got me into trouble. Here's where I'll start. You see, me and my boyfriend Nychlas have been on and off for two years. During those two years, he has abused my trust a couple of times which have driven me to be rather insecure when it comes to relationships. Lately I have found myself sinking to this insecurity. I realize that it's just that I am scared to lose everything I've gained. But with this fear I increase my chances of driving him away. The constant assumptions, and questioning... I mean I wouldn't like it either.
But, it's not like I made myself this way. It's not like I wanna be this person. It's not like I'm doing this on purpose.
This morning I accused him of things that never happened. I don't know what it is, but I formulate these scenarios in my head and they all just grow into this story that I convince myself is true. Why do I do this to myself? My stupid little construed story grew into something huge. And before I knew it he was saying all sorts of things that cut me deep, had me literally in tears.
I just don't get how he doesn't understand that it can't just be dropped in a second. It takes time. He's been trying so hard to prove to me that he wants to be with me, and now I see that but that pain, that broken heart... still isn't healed completely. :(
Now it's got me thinking... is it even worth trying? Will I ever get over it? I wanna try... I love him so much. I was really honestly happy with our little family. I loved it. Waking up every day with the two people I care about the most. Having him there for every moment, Gabriel's first doctors appointment, his first time turning over, smiling... But was it just too late for him to fix the past? How can I forgive and move on when every time he leaves the house I question him and interrogate him. Where did we go wrong? Where did I go wrong?
I just hope that whatever God has in store for me... that it's not as painful as today. That he can help me trust again. And help us mend our broken past... And raise our baby boy together. If not... God must have a better plan for me.
Park City Utah
2 years ago
Posts
3 comments:
Winning back trust is a very difficult thing to do... I'm trying right now. It's weird because on the one side I know that I want to be with Kevin & I'm doing all I can to show him that... and I want it to be appreciated... but on the other hand I know how hard it is for him & that it's natural if he questions something.
It's complicated for both... you both have your feelings and they're so strong & it's very hard to be in the other person's shoes.
I also know how suspicions & tempers can't get out of control sometimes. I guess, don't ignore it if you're feeling insecure or suspicious of something... but do your best to calmly tell him "Hey babe... I'm feeling kind of weird & insecure lately... can we just talk?" Hopefully he stays calm too. Ignoring it or pushing it away won't do anything for either of you. But just try to be calm about it. If possible--I know how hard it is for me most of the time! HaHa.
Good luck with all of that lil miss Melissa! You're such a sweetie. Your little boy is lucky no matter what happens. He's got a GREAT momma & a pretty dang good dad from the looks of things. :)
Wow, that must be so hard on you, I'm sure you will find a way to trust him again in time. Dont be so hard on yourself I think all this stress is really getting to you.
"Where did we go wrong? Where did I go wrong?" First off Melissa this line should be earsed. YOU have done nothing wrong, you have done nothing but LOVE, RESPECT, COMMIT, TRUST, GIVEN YOUR ALL to Nych and he has done NOTHING but taken advantage of all those things.
This isn't your fault. He's made you insecure, made you question every little thing he does, he's made you assume, he's made you like this and you have no one to blame but HIM!
Stop making excuses, stop thinking poor me, this is my fault, I should be able to trust him, he's trying because how many times has he tried before. How many times have you tried to make things work and trust him again and he goes and messes it up...HOW MANY TIMES? Too many to count!
If HE wants it to workout HE will be the one putting in all the effort, making you trust him again doing things that won't make you question him like taking your car and spending the night without calling. He won't have to make up excuses like my phone died yet he's around a billion people that all have cell phones. Maybe if he didn't pull bullshit like that YOU WOULD BE ABLE TO TRUST HIM!
Sorry that just got me all heated ha but mama you are amazing, ANY guy would be so lucky to have you in their life so if Nych can't step up to the plate well than SEE YA! You have Gabriel and yourself and someone, someday if it's not Nych will love you unconditional and you will be able to trust that person because they won't be looking at anyone but you and your son!
Love you with all my heart!
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