07/30/2008

Day #2 with new phone number and I couldn't be doing better. I pray to God that I stay strong through this... at least for a while. I wasn't surprised when I found out that Nych was unfaithful to his word. Rather disgusted and disappointed with myself. My heart tells me to love him and give him a chance... but after so many chances I need to realize that he is not going to change. And I need to do whats best for me and my son now... and putting up with the constant stress and drama that he places in my life is not whats best. Soooooo I am putting my foot down and standing up for my son and myself. I love my little man and he deserves whats best and so do I. It's amazing how relieved I feel...

Today I worked in the morning. Afterwards I went out to eat with Eunice at the Olive Garden. I was craving their salad soooooo bad. You have no idea. LOL. Then when we were eating I got to thinking how financially unstable I am... and how in the hell am I going to raise a kid with the money I have if I don't even have enough money to live for myself?? It started to get me kind of depressed. I mean I am 21 years old go to school full time and haven't lived off my parents for two and a half years. I think I'm doing good right? But add a kid to the situation and things change. I'm really worried about what I am going to do... I'm going to be so stressed in school and pregnant. And we all know Nych is not going to be a helpful source... it's been since like February since he has had a job and he has two kids now! Ugh... I just pray that God will put it in his hands and make things out to what they are supposed to be.

Names for the baby... well lets just say I am struggling! It's so hard to even imagine that your picking a name for someone that they will have for the rest of their life! Nych brought up the name Landyn. Which I didn't like at first but now it's kinda growing on me... I always liked the name Jaxen. But now I don't know... it's iffy. Ugh... I guess I'll have to continue to sleep on it.

Well I'm off to bed. I'm discussing Nych's lies to his baby mama over facebook. Which I don't know even why I bother because no matter what she finds out a week later I feel like they sleep together again... but anyways. NIGHT NIGHT!

07/27/2008

21 weeks and 2 days along things are bitter sweet... I feel baby kick constantly and it's the most amazing feeling in the world. It's crazy how much I love my little peanut and I haven't even physically seen him. I can tell already that he is literally going to be my world.

Today I was at home with the family for the day. I was watching tv and placed the remote control on my tummy and watched it as it randomly would be bumped by the baby. It was the cutest thing ever and had me grinning from ear to ear. Dad seems to be excited about my little man. He asks about the doctors app0intments all the time. Its good to know he's concerned and accepting of everything. It makes me feel better and more at ease even though I knew he would always be there for me.

Nych and I... ugh. There isn't really much to say. It brings to me to tears almost every time I talk about it because it's so hard. I think the reason I get so upset is because I wish that the situation was completely different. This isn't what I envisioned when I thought of my first child. Me alone. Always arguing with him. Him going out and dating other people. I just don't understand why I was put in this situation. And it hurts alot. And I keep telling myself to be strong and to dig through it... but there are moments where I just crash and fall to pieces. I'm scared. Petrified. And being alone during those times is absolutely horrible. I do not wish it upon anybody. I'm starting to see another side of him... a selfish side that seriously makes me sick to my stomach. He went to the ultrasound with me to find out the sex of the baby. But things just aren't the same... and it's hard for me to accept.

I guess I'm just leaving things up for grabs and hoping for the best... but I know as soon as I see my little man things will all be worth while.

Love,
Melissa Jo