10/28/2008

Oh Lord...

Where to even begin. Will there ever be an ending to this? Ugh... I've made some big mistakes before in my life... but sometimes I feel like no matter which path I take I seem to end up at the same dead end. I know where I wanna go... I know where I wanna be, but getting there has been more of an obstacle than I ever thought it would be. ESPECIALLY lately. I don't wanna fall back into those ways... questioning every word. I don't wanna get my heart broken again. I don't wanna believe that this time is different, because I honestly feel it's not. But how do you tell your heart to stop? It's like I've let go, yet their is still a piece of me that has that faith... does that faith ever fall through? I wonder if this is just a personal flaw of mine... excessive hope and faith. Hope that someone isn't in it just to hurt you. Hope that things will get better. Hope that they are telling the truth.

And the more and more I fall for this flaw of mine... the more and more it fades. Now I know I'm not broken. I know that I have all the pieces to put together and make this journey worth while. I just feel like I keep letting people take these pieces. And like a little kid they lose them, and the puzzle will never be complete, the pieces never to be found. I'm trying to be more responsible and not let random "children" play with this puzzle of mine... but it seems like whoever I put that little flaw of mine in, they lose the pieces regardless. Ugh... what to do?! There are times where I just wanna give up... and give in. But then that little flaw of mine comes in and there I go again...

I know I'm not the only one like this... there are so many of you out there. Judge me if you'd like... but I know better. I easily forgive. Often too easy. I wear my heart on my sleeve. And it's won over quickly. I fall hard and fast. I often make impulse decisions that aren't always the best. And I listen to my heart more often than my head. Maybe you have made all the right choices, and are successfully finding your path. But I'm quick to admit that that is not me. I'm constantly stumbling... falling... and losing my ground. But... I'm also quick to admit that it has made me who I am. This unconditional loving and hopeful flawed individual. That is me. Melissa Jo. Signed. XOXO. And all I wanna do is find my way. I'm searching for that strength... that strength that will help me get up when I fall. That strength that will guide me in my decisions. And I'll put my flaw in him and hope for the best. Hope. Faith. God. [♥]

10/27/2008

[[A Letter 2 My Son]]

Dear Gabriel:
Mama loves you so much... there's not any words that can begin to describe how much I love you. It's definitely crazy how much I can love someone who I haven't even seen or held. I am definitely going through so much right now, and you are the string that's holding me together. I know that when you get here things will be all worth while. I can't wait to see your little smile, and have your little fingers wrap around mine. I can't wait to start my life with you. You are and always will be the only man I need in my life. ♥ You are my hope.


Today mama was in your room for like two hours... I can't get enough of you. I organized all your clothes and made everything look all nice. I can't wait for this Sunday when you'll get a bunch more things from all your aunties and grandma and all your friends. :) Ugh... it's gonna make me want you here even more! Hopefully you get some good things that will help us out... I'm definitely worried that mama is gonna struggle doing things alone. But no matter what I promise that I'll always be there for you. And I know that we'll find a way to make it through... I love you so much Gabriel. Your my little gee-baby, my prince, and mi amor para siempre. Well I'm going to try and get some rest... since you don't like to let mommy rest these days! LOL.

[♥] Sweet Dreams Pumpkin [♥]

Love Mama

10/26/2008

*Sigh* Things are so different from a year ago. A year ago today I was out partying at the Globe Apartments for Nych's 20th birthday... no worries, not looking back. Man. It was such a fun night. LOL. I remember Nych was completely wasted. He was dressed up at Steve Erkel and his costume was perfect. Justin and Kevin were Luigi and Mario. Stephanie was a bumble bee, I was a border patrol officer. It was one crazy night! I remember leaving the party because someone told us the cops were coming... so we headed off to Kevin's house. By that time, I wasn't close to sober. LOL. Which up that point I was taking care of Nych. Haha... and then somehow we ended up in Kevin's bathroom me over the toilet and Nych passed out in the bathtub holding my hair! Haha... I even remember Nych crying when we got to Kev's house because Justin and Kevin got in a fight outside his house and were rolling around on the ground! Haha. Nych was like it's my birthday [as he's pouting his lip] and my best friends are fighting. LMAO. Ohhhhhh goodness. Oh yeah... and then Kevin kicked us out. Which was lovely of you Kevin by the way! LOL. Nych and I somehow made it back to Grand Valley and the next morning I wake up and discovered something rather embarrasing... lol :) [yes I peed the bed]. Hahahahaha... okay okay. It happens! And Nych and I were both still not coherent so we covered it up and went back to sleep. LOL!!! Oh geez. What a fun night. It's definitely a night I won't ever forget. Happy Birthday Nychlas. We're not even talking right now. But hopefully he's safe on his 21st and doesn't get too smashed. He's gonna be a daddy soon :)

Here's a pic from last year:
[[Me. Stephanie. Nych. Justin. Kevin. Leigh & Angie]]

Now a year goes by and look what I'm doing! LOL. I'm laying in bed 8.5 months pregnant and single. LOL.... wooooo-hooooooooooo! Way to go Melissa. LOL. No. It's all good. I'm content with the way things are right now actually. I know that even though my life has definitely changed, things could for sure be way worse. And I am one lucky woman to have things the way that I do right now. Even if they aren't what I thought they were going to be.

One week till my second baby shower with my family! I cannot wait. I should get lots of good stuff from my family and close family friends. My sister and high school best friend Jordan are planning it. I haven't seen Jordan in SUCH a long time and I miss her so much. I remember when we were little girls playing battleship and pretty pretty princess. LOL. I used to always cheat in Battleship and she would get so mad! Haha... :) We have grown up so much! She's getting married and I'm having a baby! Ahhhhh where has the time gone?! I'm really happy for her.

Well anyhoo... enough of my babbling! 39 more days until my little gee-baby is here :) I can't wait!! Sweet dreams <3

10/21/2008

Hey everyone :) Soooooo... today pretty much was BLAH! LOL. And then after it was over... like an hour ago I started to feel relieved and a TON better. LOL. Probably because eh... nothing I can do about those exams anymore. If I get a bad grade... it's over with! And I finally got to working on my paper that is due on Thursday and got quite far if I say so myself! LOL. So that made me feel 100 times better.

I talked to Nychlas today. Lovely. Haha... I mean we fought... but then finally we made some progress rather than me just yelling and crying. :) That also made me feel better.

Gabriel will be here in officially 45 days! Goodness I cannot FREAKING wait! LOL. I have been walking in and out of his room and looking at his things. I'm like obsessed. Haha... But I'm super excited. You know what I was thinking? It would be really funny if I had a girl. Haha... I mean not to mention that I have all these boy clothes! But Nych already has a tattoo with Gabriel's full name. LOL. So he would be shit out of luck. :) Haha... I told my mom that and she just started laughing. So let's hope Gabriel has a little pee-pee so we don't have troubles. LOL. Although I would love to have a little princess too! Well... I guess there's not much more to say. Just wanted to check in and say goodnight!!

10/19/2008

Hey everyone! :) Today was a decent day! I woke up and was super excited to head to my first baby shower! My friends Jessica, Sam, Kellie and Eunice threw it for me. It was alot of fun and I got alot of stuff that will help out alot with Gabriel. Thankyou so much to everyone who went and got things for me & my little man. I appreciate it so much you have no idea! The shower just made me so much more excited for him to be here. You have no idea... lol. I came home and have three exams to study for, and I went straight to his room and just started unpacking. I know... such a procrastinator :) I can't help it. LOL.



Now I'm trying to study. I'm so not looking forward to this week. I can't wait till Thursday already... that means I'll be done! I have three exams. Two on Tuesday and one on Wednesday and a huge paper due on Thursday. Blah! Hopefully I can wing it and get a decent grade. My last exam I studied my butt off for and got an A-! I don't think that will be happening for these ones. LOL.

Tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment. I'm excited to check up on my little man. :) It's just a checkup so nothing too important. I didn't talk to BD today yet again. What's new? He wanted to go to the appointment tomorrow, but I can't go get him so he probably won't go. And I don't plan on initiating any type of conversation with him, so if he doesn't text me then he's obviously not going. Oh well. I'm starting to get used to it. Sad but true. It's funny though cause he has on his facebook, "Both names tatted on my arms forever, so much love in my soul wish I could put em together." Whatever that means... I know he thinks about it. I mean... never did I do wrong to this stupid boy [yeah violent terms because I'm so irritated... Gabriel deserves better than what he's giving him right now]. But I mean there's only so much I can do. I am only one person, and I think I'm doing a pretty DARN good job doing this alone. I'm still in school... still in work... and 8 going on 9 months pregnant. Not many woman can say they are able to do this.

I found a couple of songs that fit me perfect at this moment in my life.

One is called Heart of the Matter by Indie Arie: "I've been learning to live without you now. But I miss you sometimes. The more I know, the less I understand. All the things I thought I knew I'm learning them again. I've been trying to get down to the Heart of the Matter..." Another is Rehab by Rihanna: "I guess this is what I get for wishful thinking, I should've never let you enter my door." And there's a couple other songs, Cry by Rihanna and If I Were a Boy by Beyonce. All of these songs have kinda been my anthem the last couple of days :) LOL.

Well I'm off to studying and reading for a bit more. Then going to bed. :) Sweet dreams.

10/18/2008

It's hard to come to realize why you deserve the things that have knocked you off your feet in your life... today has just been one of those days. I woke up this morning and the entire day has just been in this BLAH state of mind. I just don't understand why things are the way they are. I'm not perfect, and to be honest I am no where near it. But I value my imperfections because they make and have made me who I am today. But I feel as if I'm swamped with the heart aches, the back stabs and the break downs. I look at my friends and feel like they are all living these happy-go-lucky lives... and here I am being torn apart. I mean don't get me wrong, I am blessed to be where I am today. I am a senior in college, have a full-tuition scholarship, have a good paying part-time job, and am blessed with the most beautiful baby boy in my life... it's just I feel like there is this piece of me missing. And that piece is just tearing me apart...

This weekend has been super busy for me. Yesterday I was supposed to get pictures taken, but the girl didn't call me. So that never happened. Hopefully we will reschedule. Then I went back home to my hometown [yes hickville, where they grow onions and have cows] lol... I went to the football game for a little bit because my cousin Bryan was on homecoming court. It's been forever since I've been to a highschool football game. There were so many people there... it was definitely not the place to be for a moody pregnant woman. LOL. But overall it was still pretty fun. Today I woke up and went to my cousin's baby shower. I got to see all my family which is always a good time. And then after that my mom and sister and I headed to my uncle's annual halloween bonfire. I only stayed for a little while because I wanted to come back and do some studying. But like always... I have ADD I swear and get sidetracked.

I haven't talked to BD since like Thursday night. He owes me money... and I discovered today that he bought his lovely "friend" so he calls her, a dozen roses and a bunch of other things for sweetest day. Lovely... I was so irritated at first. Obviously he doesn't think it's that important to get me my money. But then it just got me... like ugh! How can someone be so heartless? Two months of being together every single day and then... BAM! And yeah... NO ONE understands. I don't wanna be treated the way I was treated... or go through what I went through anymore... but being 8 months pregnant... your emotions play with your head. I mean who wants to be the single mom? Who wants to have a newborn child by themselves? It's scary. I mean I have no idea how I am going to do it. I really don't. Go to school... go back to work... have a newborn... My parents aren't here. I live on my own. It's just all a big mess and frankly support from him isn't happening. He's too occupied with his "friend" who loves to rub things in my face talking bout, "what goes around comes back around," and calling me, "crazy and desperate." Lovely.

So this is what I mean by a piece of me missing... it's just like I have all this stuff going for me... and it's just not coming together. It's depressing. And it doesn't help when you have people trying to bring you down even more. But... I'm trying to stay strong. Tomorrow Jessica is throwing me my first baby shower so I'm hoping that will help me keep my mind off things! I can't wait to see all my girls and for Gabriel to get spoiled. I cleaned out his room two nights ago and am ready to start moving things in and hopefully will get his crib this week as well! If there is anything holding me together right now, it's Gabriel. I can't wait for him to be here. Well I guess I better be off. I gotta get up early and have lots to do.

Love,
Melissa Jo

10/15/2008

Hey everyone. It's been a while since I've updated on my blog! But the plan is to attempt to get on here more often... key word: attempt. LOL. Things have been all right lately. Nych and I were together for two months... and then BAM things change. What's new? It's okay though. At first yeah, I admit I was trippin. But I have come to realize a lot of things... and I know that things will get better in time. Whether he's in the picture or not. :) There are days where he'll text me saying he misses me and blah blah blah [I call this his "game-time."] and there are days where he doesn't even text to ask about Gabriel. I'm ready to have my little prince here already so I can have a steady predictable relationship. Rather than one where I never know what the next day brings!

I am 32 weeks and 5 days pregnant as of today! And every day I wake up I feel more and more like a fat cow. LOL. My last appt. they told me I only gained a total of 10 pounds through the whole pregnancy. I was up to twelve and then lost two pounds... of course! My doctor didn't seem too worried about it... but she made it known that I should be a little above what I'm at right now. Woopsies. LOL. Hopefully I don't gain too much though in the next couple of months... I wanna be able to get back on my workout routine after baby is here! I'm ready to be done being a fat hippo! LOL. Here's a pic of me @ 32 weeks prego!


Nych and I finally decided on a name. Gabriel Chance Valentin. :) I love it. I can't wait to meet him. Technically I only have 51 days to go. I can't wait till he's here... but I feel so unprepared. This weekend is my baby shower! My BFF Jessica is throwing it for me... I'm super excited and can't wait to see what I get! :) Well I guess that's a quick update for now! I'll be back later. Ta-Ta! :)