07/27/2008

21 weeks and 2 days along things are bitter sweet... I feel baby kick constantly and it's the most amazing feeling in the world. It's crazy how much I love my little peanut and I haven't even physically seen him. I can tell already that he is literally going to be my world.

Today I was at home with the family for the day. I was watching tv and placed the remote control on my tummy and watched it as it randomly would be bumped by the baby. It was the cutest thing ever and had me grinning from ear to ear. Dad seems to be excited about my little man. He asks about the doctors app0intments all the time. Its good to know he's concerned and accepting of everything. It makes me feel better and more at ease even though I knew he would always be there for me.

Nych and I... ugh. There isn't really much to say. It brings to me to tears almost every time I talk about it because it's so hard. I think the reason I get so upset is because I wish that the situation was completely different. This isn't what I envisioned when I thought of my first child. Me alone. Always arguing with him. Him going out and dating other people. I just don't understand why I was put in this situation. And it hurts alot. And I keep telling myself to be strong and to dig through it... but there are moments where I just crash and fall to pieces. I'm scared. Petrified. And being alone during those times is absolutely horrible. I do not wish it upon anybody. I'm starting to see another side of him... a selfish side that seriously makes me sick to my stomach. He went to the ultrasound with me to find out the sex of the baby. But things just aren't the same... and it's hard for me to accept.

I guess I'm just leaving things up for grabs and hoping for the best... but I know as soon as I see my little man things will all be worth while.

Love,
Melissa Jo