10/28/2008

Oh Lord...

Where to even begin. Will there ever be an ending to this? Ugh... I've made some big mistakes before in my life... but sometimes I feel like no matter which path I take I seem to end up at the same dead end. I know where I wanna go... I know where I wanna be, but getting there has been more of an obstacle than I ever thought it would be. ESPECIALLY lately. I don't wanna fall back into those ways... questioning every word. I don't wanna get my heart broken again. I don't wanna believe that this time is different, because I honestly feel it's not. But how do you tell your heart to stop? It's like I've let go, yet their is still a piece of me that has that faith... does that faith ever fall through? I wonder if this is just a personal flaw of mine... excessive hope and faith. Hope that someone isn't in it just to hurt you. Hope that things will get better. Hope that they are telling the truth.

And the more and more I fall for this flaw of mine... the more and more it fades. Now I know I'm not broken. I know that I have all the pieces to put together and make this journey worth while. I just feel like I keep letting people take these pieces. And like a little kid they lose them, and the puzzle will never be complete, the pieces never to be found. I'm trying to be more responsible and not let random "children" play with this puzzle of mine... but it seems like whoever I put that little flaw of mine in, they lose the pieces regardless. Ugh... what to do?! There are times where I just wanna give up... and give in. But then that little flaw of mine comes in and there I go again...

I know I'm not the only one like this... there are so many of you out there. Judge me if you'd like... but I know better. I easily forgive. Often too easy. I wear my heart on my sleeve. And it's won over quickly. I fall hard and fast. I often make impulse decisions that aren't always the best. And I listen to my heart more often than my head. Maybe you have made all the right choices, and are successfully finding your path. But I'm quick to admit that that is not me. I'm constantly stumbling... falling... and losing my ground. But... I'm also quick to admit that it has made me who I am. This unconditional loving and hopeful flawed individual. That is me. Melissa Jo. Signed. XOXO. And all I wanna do is find my way. I'm searching for that strength... that strength that will help me get up when I fall. That strength that will guide me in my decisions. And I'll put my flaw in him and hope for the best. Hope. Faith. God. [♥]