10/18/2008

It's hard to come to realize why you deserve the things that have knocked you off your feet in your life... today has just been one of those days. I woke up this morning and the entire day has just been in this BLAH state of mind. I just don't understand why things are the way they are. I'm not perfect, and to be honest I am no where near it. But I value my imperfections because they make and have made me who I am today. But I feel as if I'm swamped with the heart aches, the back stabs and the break downs. I look at my friends and feel like they are all living these happy-go-lucky lives... and here I am being torn apart. I mean don't get me wrong, I am blessed to be where I am today. I am a senior in college, have a full-tuition scholarship, have a good paying part-time job, and am blessed with the most beautiful baby boy in my life... it's just I feel like there is this piece of me missing. And that piece is just tearing me apart...

This weekend has been super busy for me. Yesterday I was supposed to get pictures taken, but the girl didn't call me. So that never happened. Hopefully we will reschedule. Then I went back home to my hometown [yes hickville, where they grow onions and have cows] lol... I went to the football game for a little bit because my cousin Bryan was on homecoming court. It's been forever since I've been to a highschool football game. There were so many people there... it was definitely not the place to be for a moody pregnant woman. LOL. But overall it was still pretty fun. Today I woke up and went to my cousin's baby shower. I got to see all my family which is always a good time. And then after that my mom and sister and I headed to my uncle's annual halloween bonfire. I only stayed for a little while because I wanted to come back and do some studying. But like always... I have ADD I swear and get sidetracked.

I haven't talked to BD since like Thursday night. He owes me money... and I discovered today that he bought his lovely "friend" so he calls her, a dozen roses and a bunch of other things for sweetest day. Lovely... I was so irritated at first. Obviously he doesn't think it's that important to get me my money. But then it just got me... like ugh! How can someone be so heartless? Two months of being together every single day and then... BAM! And yeah... NO ONE understands. I don't wanna be treated the way I was treated... or go through what I went through anymore... but being 8 months pregnant... your emotions play with your head. I mean who wants to be the single mom? Who wants to have a newborn child by themselves? It's scary. I mean I have no idea how I am going to do it. I really don't. Go to school... go back to work... have a newborn... My parents aren't here. I live on my own. It's just all a big mess and frankly support from him isn't happening. He's too occupied with his "friend" who loves to rub things in my face talking bout, "what goes around comes back around," and calling me, "crazy and desperate." Lovely.

So this is what I mean by a piece of me missing... it's just like I have all this stuff going for me... and it's just not coming together. It's depressing. And it doesn't help when you have people trying to bring you down even more. But... I'm trying to stay strong. Tomorrow Jessica is throwing me my first baby shower so I'm hoping that will help me keep my mind off things! I can't wait to see all my girls and for Gabriel to get spoiled. I cleaned out his room two nights ago and am ready to start moving things in and hopefully will get his crib this week as well! If there is anything holding me together right now, it's Gabriel. I can't wait for him to be here. Well I guess I better be off. I gotta get up early and have lots to do.

Love,
Melissa Jo