1/03/2009

Once you have a child your whole life changes. No one can quite grasp the concept unless they themselves experience it firsthand. Your child becomes your everything... the reason you wake up in the morning, the reason you wake up period. They become your rock... the one person that will be there no matter what. Their smile brightens any heartache or bad day. They make all the troubles worth while... They are your EVERYTHING.

Ever since I have had Gabriel he has been my everything. I have spent every single day with him and only been apart with him for one night... Even though he cannot speak to me, now he is the only one I tell everything to. And even though he doesn't understand what I'm going through I feel like he's the only one that can console me... I love being his mother and I have no idea what I would do without him now. Which is where I've come to... I am having THE hardest time parting from Gabriel. My whole life I could not wait to have a baby and to raise them to be the best they could be... & now that time is here and with this comes the hardest things in my life... letting him go. When I imagined raising my child, I imagined a family, together... happy. I never imagined that I'd be a single mother having to let my son go... It's the hardest thing I have to do right now and it's so depressing. No one understands... I can't help but question why God even put me in this situation? He brought this beautiful little blessing in my life and expects me to just let him be taken from me? I wanna be there for every first little moment. His first Easter, first steps, first words... and what if he's with his father for those moments? What if I miss those? And I can just see any other female his father has in his life holding my son in their arms, cuddling them, loving them... My heart is literally being torn just thinking about it... Why does it have to be this way?


I don't know what to do anymore... I find myself trying to put things together and to work things out just so I won't be missing out on those moments. I can't be doing this anymore... I'm hurting... I'm afraid... I feel like my son is all I have left... & how could anyone wanna take him from me? This is honestly the HARDEST thing I have ever had to do in my life... I don't wanna be away from my newborn son. :( I don't want to have to go a night without him... Ugh. Why?