♥ :[Melissa Jo]: ♥

2009-09-12T12:07:00.002-04:00

Hello blogworld :)

It's been a while since I've updated. I cannot believe how quickly time flies... it seems like yesterday my little Gabey Baby was born. He's already almost 10 months old, and nearly walking! I have to say motherhood has been extremely difficult, but it has been nothing short of amazing. It's like everytime I'm having a moment of grief my son knows how to make my heart feel all better. It's perfection, and I love it.

I'm back @ school. Being my fifth year, I feel like I kinda gotta kick it into gear. Last year I kinda slacked off, being pregnant the first semester and the second having a newborn, I believe I had every right to! But now it's back to work... I am only taking 2 classes right now, and then after that a year of student teaching and I shall be done! Hopefully I get a good job right away so I can finally feel accomplished! I'm still working in the same little old place... yeah Nextel and Sprint. It gets the job done for now. Heaven knows I do NOT want to be working there for the rest of my life though! That's for sure.

Other than that, that's whats new! I hope to keep you all updated more often. TTFN Besitos ♥

New Blog: Check It Out

2009-07-13T18:20:00.002-04:00

Hey Everyone,

It's been a while since I've been on here to update. But I will try to update more often... :) Sorry! I have a new blog for you to follow... please follow & support me! Check it out @ http://survivingthe20thcenturyplayer.blogspot.com/

Thanks,
Melissa Jo

Quick Update

2009-03-18T09:38:00.002-04:00

HELLO everyone!

It's been a minute since I've updated from my last posts. But ALOT has been going on in my life. What can I say I'm a busy woman!?

Gabriel is getting so big! It's hard to believe that just four months ago I was on my way to the hospital to deliver. He is 4 months old TODAY! He's been teething so he's been a little more fussy than usual but other than that he's doing great. My friends Kellie & Amy recently had their baby boys Cameron & Jace as well so we have been getting together and having our little mini-basketball team meet :) I love it. It's so much fun.

I have been struggling with trying to juggle everything from being a mother, going to class, homework, and working... everything I feel like was all overwhelming and happening at once. But I have been getting better with it. Now I'm starting to get into a routine and have things under control. Being a full time mother, full time student & part time worker is NOT EASY! But it'll all be worth it that's for sure! And I have been getting lots of help that makes things much easier and I appreciate it so much.

Other than that not much has been new :) just living my life day by day. Today my aunt is having surgery for her breast cancer to be removed so I'm praying that all goes well for that. I'm about to leave for the hospital so I will update later.

BESITOS,
Melissa Jo

Living For Today ♥

2009-03-03T01:01:00.003-05:00

I was debating on whether I should go to sleep or not... but I decided to write down a few things that have been running through my head.

The past couple of days I have had alot going on in my life. And when I say ALOT, it is truly an understatement. I've cried, I've laughed, I've been rather amused... but all in all I've realized that there is nothing more a person can do but live for today.

I have tried so often to hold onto the past, guarding my future from my previous errors and mistakes. But its unnecessary. Holding tightly onto your past hinders your future, and any chance you have of ever being completely happy. You learn lessons from your past, you fall and get back up, but these lessons were never intended to hold you back they were intended to make you stronger. The difference is cherishing your past and the memories that have made you who you are today. Cherishing the people who've stumbled in and out of your life. Because if your forever holding onto the past... you'll never reach your future.

Another realization I have come to, is to stop planning for the future. Life is never guaranteed. There is an end, and nobody is guaranteed a tomorrow. So stop taking things so seriously, planning ahead, putting a title on things that are unnecessary, and trying to please the people in our society. Do what pleases you now in this very moment. This is not to say don't glimpse ahead to the future. It is merely stating, having an obsession with your future is unhealthy. Your constantly looking towards the future, looking to be happy, looking to have this and that... live for today, look for it now. Problems come and go, but happiness, happiness is the one you wanna keep around. If we're happy today, chances are we will be happy tomorrow.

Simply take it one day at a time ♥
Today is the day to start. :)

Memories {♥}

2009-02-26T23:50:00.009-05:00

Tonight I was randomly rummaging through some old photos and it really got me thinking, "Man what I would do to go back to that memory and re-live it once more." Since obviously this isn't possible, unless there exists a time machine in the world that I am unaware of. LOL. So I decided to share a few of my favorite memories with you guys. Enjoy.

Memory #1: Okay... the very first memory that pops into my head is of course with my little sister Stephanie. When she was little she had to undergo multiple surgeries, which one of them entailed a full body cast from belly button to toes in the dead heat of the summer. Horrible I know! The doctor had reminded us time after time to not get the cast wet. I could tell my sister was suffering. So like the coolest big sister she'll ever have [haha] I came up with the brilliant idea to play with some water balloons. Haha... Like little girls, we wrote names on each balloon pretending them to be like a friend or something. And then popped them all over her! LOL. I still remember my mother coming out and her facial expression was like, "What are you doing?!?!" But she just started cracking up because she realized my intentions. :) Ohhhh the good old days.

Memory #2: Growing up I lived in a suburb with 16 houses where my best friend Jordan lived down the street. Her and I became inseperable. We spent every living moment together. It's hard to choose one memory with her that defines our relationship. But one of the MANY memories that stands out would definitely be our game time. We would play battleship, and when the opponent was hiding their battleships the other one would have to hide behind the couch. I would always sneak a peak and win, and I remember her getting SO mad. LOL. It made me crack up because she could never catch me cheating. :) Haha... you know that saying cheaters never prosper. Well that moment was totally worth it! LOL.

Memory #3: Another memory that means so much to me is our families Easter celebration. When we were little, all my mom's side of the family would get together on Easter to celebrate. We have a tradition where we fill eggs with confetti and crack them over eachothers head. This meant a lot to me because I was born on easter, and even though my birthday has never been on Easter since... we always celebrated it near my birthday. So I was able to see all my relatives. It was so much fun seeing all the adults chasing eachother, and doing our annual easter egg hunt. I miss those days so much.

Memory #4: Halloween 2007. I still remember this like it was yesterday. I have already explained this memory before. But man... this night is a night I will always remember. It was Nych's 20th birthday and also a Halloween party. We had a BLAST. The night ended up with Nych passed out in the bathtub while holding my hair while I was passed out over the toilet. Haha... From beginning to end this night was by far an eventful night.

Memory #5: Getting announced homecoming Queen :) My whole family was so proud of me and I really did feel like a Queen for the entire day. There wasn't a second where I wasn't grinning cheek to cheek. To this day Jay and I still joke that he is my king and I am his queen.

Memory #6: My athlete family. Maaaan, do I miss my sports. :( If there's one thing I would wanna go back and do again, it would be play sports. All the girls on every team were like my sisters. They made everything so fun. One memory in particular would probably be Gulf
Shores Alabama. Every year our softball team
would travel to Gulf Shores over spring break and practice and vacation together for team bonding. Laying out in the sun with all the girls and talking about our love lives and secret crushes was such a fun time. Something I will always look back on and smile.

Memory #7: Definitely my black and white party! LOL. Let's just say I decided the bright idea of having a themed party at our place in Copper Beech. All three of my roommates as well as me invited almost everyone we knew and over 100 people packed into our apartment that night. Before the party barely even started 7 cops surrounded our place breaking it up! LOL. The person that was the most drunk was trying to talk to the cops... and everyone else was running! I denied living there... when I was in my own room with pictures of me up all over the place! LOL. And the night ended with my beating up my roommate as she laughed and tried to take off her clothes. Hahahaha... oh geez how I miss our college parties. :)

Memory #8: Camping in Silver Lake. :( The dunes are one of my favorite places to go... it's beautiful. And I guess why this place means so much to me is because every single year on fourth of july my mom's entire side of the family would go camping for like an entire week. No worries. Just family. Love and games and fun in the sun. We even rented a pontoon boat for a day and spent it out on the lake. These are memories I would never replace for the world.

Memory #9: Watching my sister graduate. Now I know for alot of people this doesn't mean alot. But to me... this meant the world. Since being she's in a wheelchair with cerebral palsy, she has come upon numerous barriers. She wheeled herself across the stage and graduated :) I was so proud. Not only that... she is now attending the same college as I am, and even getting better grades than I did! What is up with that?! LOL.

Memory #10: Welcoming my son Gabriel Chance Valentin into the world :) That moment was one of the best moments in my life. There aren't even words to describe the emotions that filled me. I was in love the moment I saw him... and I still am to this day. November 18th 2008 was a miracle. My little miracle.

Today Was A Horrible Day

2009-02-25T23:55:00.001-05:00

Today was a horrible day.
I hate today.
Everything about it. :(
My baby boy has bronchialitis.
He has a horrible cough, stuffy nose, sore throat.
I am sick.
Got zero sleep.
Missed my classes cause I had to take Gabriel to the ER.
Got into a fight with Nych.
Today was a horrible day.

[♥] Twenty-Five things on Breaking Up for Females [♥]

2009-02-23T09:09:00.008-05:00

Not all women know how to handle themselves through a breakup. So I wrote this specifically for you in result of my lovely relationship experiences. If any one of these things hits home for you, or helps you in anyway, I'm successful. :) Enjoy.

Here's to all my females:

1. Love is a lifetime commitment, if you find a male constantly leaving and coming back obviously he's not commited, therefore it is not love.
2. Trust is a must. Period. No trust, no go!
3. Never settle for less. There are thousands of males out there that are dying to show you their endless love. Why settle for anything less when you could possibly be getting it all?
4. Once a cheater always a cheater. Enough said.
5. The blame game is a no go. The only person to blame is yourself for not kicking their big old booty to the curb sooner.
6. Never regret, it is because of them that you will never fall for a broken male again.
7. Wear short skirts, high heels, puckered lips & poofy hair whenever you see them. They will see what a dumb ass they were for letting you go. And you will love watching them cringe.
8. Always trust your intuitions.
9. If you love your family & they do not like them, then neither should you.
10. One lie, leads to another, leads to another, which leads to another. So break it off the first time. You don't want a liar for a husband do you?
11. In the words of beyonce, "If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it."
12. There's something wrong when they come home @ 4 in the morning creating nonsense excuses. Best believe that.
13. If they can look you in the eyes and lie to you, they don't deserve your respect or love. Ever.
14. When you receive their text asking for you back, laugh hysterically. Then don't even waste your breath. Lean over and hold your new man tightly.
15. Keep on stepping. No time to fall down. And those shoes your wearing were expensive!
16. Make time for the girls, they are the ones that will always be there for you when the males come and go.
17. Head up. They'll be checking up on you, and it'll kill them to see you fall. But it's gonna murder them to see you happy. :)
18. Stop worrying about them. Stop checking their statuses and memos, you already know their with another dumb ho whose falling for their tricks. Therefore that two seconds you just wasted looking, could have been better spent painting your toenails or plucking your eyebrows. LOL.
19. Life isn't always perfect. It's cool if your past relationships leave some nasty scars. But bandage them up yourself and get back on your feet.
20. If your singing the song, "I'll bust your windows out your car" and they don't even have a car, there's a problem. You need a man @ your side who has got their business together. Stop trying to help put theirs together.
21. If you ever falter and miraculously start thinking about the few good moments of the relationship, pop in a Beyonce CD. Problem solved.
22. Attitude is the worst solution. Giving them attitude gives them confidence because they believe they have a hold on you. So be nice. They'll be acting all crazy in the matter of seconds wondering what or even better WHO is making you so care-free and happy.
23. The past is in the past. Keep it there.
24. Walk with confidence even if you don't have it. Eventually it'll catch on & you'll be feeling all superhuman.
25. Most importantly, love again. [♥] There is that someone out there for you. He's waiting to make you his Queen. Never let a relationship inhibit your ability to love again. Have hope [♥]

A Woman's Intuition

2009-02-22T03:33:00.005-05:00

They say a woman's intuition is always correct, right? Well for a minute here I thought my intuition was wrong, well I was guided that it was wrong, but I got back on track and discovered I was right all along. It's ridiculous how the psychology of an individual works. Trying to make someone feel bad for being insecure and accusing for their past. When all along my intuition was correct. There was something going on. You did have a secret. You were lying.

First off I wanna say you are wrong. Wrong for everything you have done to me. Wrong for saying that I pushed you away, when infact you caused the scars that pushed you away. You pushed yourself away. Second, I wanna say how could you? Shame on me. But SHAME on you. Really. A real man strives towards a future with one woman, honest, for better or for worse, for rich or for poor, in sick and in health. That isn't possible with more than one female on your hands. Or even planning the termination of a relationship, because your planning on being with someone else. I stuck up for you. I stuck by you. And in return I receive lies YET again. I KNOW you were lying. The pictures? The supposed boyfriend? My car being towed? Yeah. All LIES. And on top of that... it already begins. "It's too horrible outside, I'm not leaving the house." When really your already cuddled up with your new girlfriend... that might have to do with why you don't wanna leave the house to get your son huh?

Third, I would like to say females learn a lesson. [No names inserted.] I repeat, do NOT do NOT mess with a male who you know is taken. You are merely a piece of booty, lust, nothing special and you make yourself look ridiculous. Yes people make mistakes, but a repeat offender AKA homewrecker is quite unforgiveable and sleezy. SERIOUSLY. And fourth, DO not be okay with being a secret! LOL... for real? I've learned this, you should learn this. You make yourself look pathetic. Crazy. Desperate... need I say more?

Finally. Good Riddance. Good riddance to all the drama. Good riddance to that life. I'm welcoming a new one. I finally got the closure I needed because my intuition was right. I was right no matter WHAT you say! From here on out, I'm a new woman. Me, my son & ___________. You fill in the blank :) I'm done playing these stupid games. You will realize what a big mistake you made. I'll be sure of it.

Adios ♥

Daddy & Mr. Dimples

2009-02-19T23:49:00.005-05:00

So the boys were having some quality time together... & I took a couple of snapshots. Gabriel was so tired and his daddy didn't want him to go to sleep quite yet. :) Take a look!

Second Chances

2009-02-19T22:33:00.004-05:00

Where to even begin... :(

Well. Today was a HORRIBLE day. Let's just say that my horrible intuitions got me into trouble. Here's where I'll start. You see, me and my boyfriend Nychlas have been on and off for two years. During those two years, he has abused my trust a couple of times which have driven me to be rather insecure when it comes to relationships. Lately I have found myself sinking to this insecurity. I realize that it's just that I am scared to lose everything I've gained. But with this fear I increase my chances of driving him away. The constant assumptions, and questioning... I mean I wouldn't like it either.

But, it's not like I made myself this way. It's not like I wanna be this person. It's not like I'm doing this on purpose.

This morning I accused him of things that never happened. I don't know what it is, but I formulate these scenarios in my head and they all just grow into this story that I convince myself is true. Why do I do this to myself? My stupid little construed story grew into something huge. And before I knew it he was saying all sorts of things that cut me deep, had me literally in tears.

I just don't get how he doesn't understand that it can't just be dropped in a second. It takes time. He's been trying so hard to prove to me that he wants to be with me, and now I see that but that pain, that broken heart... still isn't healed completely. :(

Now it's got me thinking... is it even worth trying? Will I ever get over it? I wanna try... I love him so much. I was really honestly happy with our little family. I loved it. Waking up every day with the two people I care about the most. Having him there for every moment, Gabriel's first doctors appointment, his first time turning over, smiling... But was it just too late for him to fix the past? How can I forgive and move on when every time he leaves the house I question him and interrogate him. Where did we go wrong? Where did I go wrong?

I just hope that whatever God has in store for me... that it's not as painful as today. That he can help me trust again. And help us mend our broken past... And raise our baby boy together. If not... God must have a better plan for me.

Poem: Gaining a Loss

2009-02-17T17:55:00.004-05:00

Gaining a Loss

I got a fear that everything I have I'll lose,
I guess I don't understand, must be confused.
There's a reason I'm scared,
The trust I gave was abused and misused.
This is why I've become so hesitant.
Another reason for the story to get all bent.
Another stab to the back then you repent.
It's like a sister can't get a breath to vent.
Yeah.
And now you acting as if it's in the past.
Like it's a memory I have, that definitely shouldn't last.
But I'm not passed the past,
Obviously you can see...
That's why you be asking, "Why you always questioning me?"
I'm scared to lose everything I've gained,
My heart, My love, the healing of the pain.
The sun I've pulled out through the rain.
Yeah.
Am I insane?
Thinking that it'll all happen again.
Our relationship be happy but looking like a pigpen.
I guess, till then...
I'll trust like you request.
Put the past to the back, and stop being obsessed.
Thinking that every move you make needs to be assessed.
I'm hoping you realize that our family is blessed.
And that I'm trying to trust again, and become impressed.
Cuz as I addressed, it's not easy to trust.
I'm hoping you won't chance our love again for lust.
Cause the trust,
I gave was abused and misused.
I'll no longer act as if I'm confused.
This time I'll act as if I have nothing to lose.
I've got nothing to prove, and everything to defend.
I gained from the rain,
And now I can LOVE again.

♥

Old Memories ♥

2009-02-17T01:51:00.006-05:00

Okay. So my girl Kellie did this post where she posted a couple of fun pictures from her past. So that got me looking @ old pictures and I just had to share a few. :)

This is a picture of my best friend Jessica & I @ like the only bar in Big Rapids. LOL. Shooters! Haha... what good times. Obviously we're in the bathroom doing the whole photo shoot!

Awww... these are my FEMALES! Every monday night bowling @ some drinky drink. Ohhh this was so much fun! I miss these days so much!

Me & my old roommate Crystal @ my other roommates 21st birthday party at Higgins Lake! Ohhh man was that a beautiful day!

This was one of the BEST nights ever! LOL. It was Nych's 20th birthday party & Halloween party. These were all the girls I went with and it was a BLAST!

Vent: Drama Like Always

2009-02-17T01:35:00.006-05:00

Can someone please shut stupid people up? I hate when people try and mess things up! He's obviously not with you. Nor staying with you. So why are you trying to put on a front like he is?! Get a life... please. Because obviously you have too much time on your hands to make up stupid things and try and mess with people's lives.

He is my boyfriend. He is my man. He is with me. And you know ALL that. So even IF he is saying stuff to you, your trying to mess with him, "or be patient," with him knowing that. And that just looks really bad on your part. There are names for the girl that does that these days... Your waiting around for someone while they stay at my house with me, kissing me, holding me & telling me they wanna marry me? Hmmm... makes NO sense.

Ugh... enough of the venting. Just had to get that off my chest, that is all.

If You Got Something to Say... Say It!

2009-02-16T10:51:00.003-05:00

Okay... so things have been going really really good lately between Nych and I. He has been around me for forever. But let's just say recently a certain someone and him have "made up" their bitterness towards each other and randomly her stupid myspace messages start hinting things. One, this really BOTHERS me. Like for instance yesterday he was with her for a SHORT period of time and today her message states, "has a lot to think about..." and her emotion is quiet with a wink face. Sooo... for one if you got something to say, say it! Don't beat around the bush. I'm tired of these games and all the drama that comes along. So if your not going to say anything why put that up there in the first place? It's ridiculous and a waste of your time. Plus... if you had something to think about, it would be why he came back to me and slept in my bed and cuddled up with me and told me he loved me and wanted to marry me. So get over it. Leave us alone. We're doing fine and obviously he's not with you.

So this is the end to my looking @ your stupid page. All you try and do is make me think things and unless you wanna actually say something then I'm not going to look.

Now I'm going to cuddle up with my boo for a quick nap :) Peace.

Breaking News!

2009-02-15T00:49:00.004-05:00

Okay so I just had to get on here and update... What can I say I'm becoming a blogger addict. Haha... :) But... my baby boy finally rolled today! It was THE cutest thing ever. I put him on his stomach for some good old tummy time and he leaned and just rolled over! I was cracking up and he couldn't stop laughing either. And then I kept trying to put him back on his tummy and he kept rolling over! He figured it out. Now he hasn't turned from his back to his belly but he sure is trying! LOL. He's a couple days shy of three months and he is such a smart little guy I'd have to say! Or is that just the mama speaking in me? LOL.

LOL. He's learning if he pouts his lip mommy can't say no either :) LOL. Well I'm off to bed! What a great day :) As the infamous Tigger would say TTFN!

Valentines: My Baby Boo ♥

2009-02-14T00:36:00.011-05:00

Happy Valentine's Day Everyone!

Okay so I should totally and completely be in bed right now, due to the fact that I have to work in the a.m. buuuuut... for some complete idiotic reason I just can't get myself upstairs in my bed. LOL. Me and Gabriel are just chilling on the couch watching TV. He finally fell asleep. He was fighting falling asleep for forever. He doesn't wanna miss Valentine's with his mama I'm sure ;) Haha.

Anyways I'm about to walk up to my room and stare at my glorious two dozen red roses, delicious sweet chocolates and enormous fluffy teddy bear. Hahahaha... JUST KIDDING. I wish. You know, now that I think about it, it's been over 4 years since I have gotten a Valentine's gift! Somehow I always find myself single every year on February 14th. This is the first year in like 4 years that I'm not single! :) Yah. Haha...

Well since I'm kinda broke right now, I decided to dedicate this blog, my Valentine's blog to my baby. No, not my baby boy Gabriel... but my boo, my best friend and my one and only.

Here's our story:
It was a sunny day about two years ago, and I was working @ the mall [minding my lovely business I might add]. Haha. When all of the sudden I look across the room to see this goofy silly guy staring @ me with this cheesy smile. I think he saw me look @ him so he looked away with that look like "Ahhhh she caught me!" LOL. The next day it was repeated only this time... he took some action. LOL. Well actually he technically didn't. He sent a little boy to do his dirty work! He bet this little boy $10.00 that he couldn't get my phone number. [I guess I'm only worth $10.00 bucks these days! LOL]. Soooo... this boy walks over and the first thing he says is, "Hey this guy over there bet me $10.00 I couldn't get your number. If you give me it I'll give you half." LMAO... So I gave him my number. [You know, I needed some lunch money. Wink. Wink. LOL.]

Then the little kid ran back to him with my number. Haha. His face was priceless. From there on out, all of those who know Mr. Nychlas know of course he was flirting non-stop! LOL. He even drew me a picture on this little sticky note of me and him [stick figures of course] with T-mobile and Nextel names above us holding hands and a big sunshine and happy faces. Haha... I still have that sticky note to this day! We eventually started hanging out. We discovered we had so much in common. His favorite # was 12, mine is too. He was homecoming king, I was homecoming queen. He played all kinds of sports, I did too. The list went on and on. I found myself falling for him hard and fast.

Eventually you couldn't separate the two of us. We were the BEST friends. Every weekend he was @ Grand Valley with me having the best time in the world. There are SO many memories together I can't even begin to share them all. But I'll just share one in particular that I find absolutely hilarious. Well it was the night of Nych's 20th birthday. There was a halloween party at an apartment complex near the mall. We all met up dressed in our costumes. I was a border patrol girl and Nych was Steve Erkel. Classic I know :) LOL. He was very drunk I might add... At first I was taking care of him... then I soon found myself pretty darn tipsy myself. [When I say tipsy I mean... stumbling over my heels and mumbling my words LOL.] A bunch of us left the party and went to his friends Kevin's house. Well loooong story short, his friends found Nych and I in the bathroom. He was passed out in the bathtub with his hand extended holding my long brown hair from getting in the toilet. And I was passed out with my head over the toilet. LOL. Needless to say it was a ridiculously hilarious night and one night I will always remember. Nych even cried! Haha... shhh... don't tell ;)

Now look where we are! With our baby boy Gabriel. We are completely blessed to have him in our lives. I admit that Nych and I have always had our ups and downs, and things were extremely rough at times... BUT I can say one thing, and that's that I am completely and utterly 100% in love with this boy. When I am down or upset, he is the person who knows how to put a smile on my face. [Besides my baby boy Gabriel]. Whether we're on good terms or bad terms he always has love for me. He is my prince and I am is his princess. He is my boyfriend, my baby boy's father, my confidant and most of all my best friend. Love you Baby ♥

And once again Happy Valentine's Day to all my friends and family! Love you ♥

Lack of Ambition

2009-02-13T00:01:00.006-05:00

Is it just me, or have I felt completely unmotivated to do anything productive lately? LOL. I guess having Gabriel in my life has just made me wanna stay home and cuddle up. I mean who wouldn't wanna just sit home and cuddle up with such a cute baby boy? It takes like twenty million soldiers with their shooting rifles to get me out of bed in the morning... LOL. Okay maybe a little exaggerated but you get the picture. Haha...

Well... anyways. Sorry it's so brief today. I'm going to bed early in hopes of waking up and actually having some sort of attention span tomorrow morning for class. Sweet dreams world :)

Getting Passed the Past

2009-02-12T00:32:00.005-05:00

There's are so many moments in our lives that define us. High school graduation. College. Marriage. Having children. But what about relationships? I often find that my past relationships have molded the person I have become today. Whether that's a good thing or a bad thing, I haven't quite figured out yet.

You see... relationships have never been my forte. I fall hard and fast & wear my heart on my sleeve often too easily. I have been hurt and fallen hard. And it seems my heart never learns. It's like an addiction, that high. One could call it, "high on love." But because of my hurtful past I have so many issues with other aspects. Friendships. Relationships in general. Trusting someone is completely hard. Why? Shouldn't it be the opposite, where one is rewarded for loving so much? Today I was asked to get over the past and let it go. But I realize that getting passed the past is not as easy said than done. And I'm not quite sure what I can do personally to get over those things. Whatever the struggle, is continuing to love & take a chance to get hurt better than not loving or hurting at all? You answer the question. So in my deep thoughts on building trust I did a little research. Here's what I found:

10 Crucial Steps to Building a Relationship

1. Be predictable. When do seeds of suspicion emerge? When one begins to think, What's up? Why is he doing that? He's never done that before. That is so unlike him. Any movement away from predictable behavior can become suspect and trust can deteriorate. Focus on acting predictably if you need to build trust. Be consistent in what you do. This doesn't mean you must be boring. If there is a twinkle in your eye and a dose of spontaneity every so often, for goodness sakes be spontaneous and fun loving. But be true to who you have always been and be that consistently, whoever you tend to be!

2. Inform your significant other when you become "unpredictable." No one goes through life the same person. We all make shifts and changes. Frankly sometimes we may be fairly clueless about what is happening and where we are going. Those times may be very intense and we do some silly things or make some downright dumb decisions. Life can get very squirrelly and unpredictable. Growth in an individual, marriage or family often is accompanied by a little chaos. Welcome these shifts. Say, "I really don't know what is going on in me right now, but I'm moving in a different direction. Be a little patient with me while I figure this out. I might do some silly things, but my intent is not to harm you or scare you."

3. Make sure your words match the message. Mean what you say and say what you mean. When your partner hears one thing in your words but your tone of voice, body language and facial expressions are really saying something else, you open the relationship to some crazy making days. Which message is she to believe? This can waste a tremendous amount of energy and she learns not to trust part of what you are saying.

4. Believe the other person is competent. I hear this phrase very often: "But, I don't want to hurt him." A couple things are at play here. First, she may not have the skill of confronting the other with the truth in a way that brings reconciliation and understanding. She believes truth telling is destructive or entails some sort of drama. Neither is true. The truth is never destructive and can be conveyed in loving ways. Or, she may see the other person as a wimp; someone she believes cannot handle rigorous personal confrontation. She doesn't trust that the other person has the internal strength or stamina or skills to be in a relationship of mutual respect and equality. The other person picks up on this mistrust and does what he does to avoid the personal confrontation as well. Believe and know in your heart that the other person, somewhere and somehow, beneath the games, has the internal strength and capacity to handle anything. Such trust builds trust in the other person and begins to pervade the relationship.

5. Be very very careful of keeping secrets. If he knows there is an elephant in the room and doesn't talk about it, the elephant takes up tremendous space in the relationship. It takes energy for him to walk around it. She may not see the elephant but knows he is bending his neck to look around something. She will be curious, mildly disturbed, have feelings but no words to wrap around them, might wonder if something is wrong with her or struggle with trusting her intuition. And, when we can't trust the messages that come from within us, we find it very difficult to trust the messages of the other person. Secrets demand tremendous energy and erode trust. The relationship is doomed never to experience wall-banging intimacy. This is why extramarital affairs are so damaging. She is not so much concerned about him having sex with someone else as she is about the betrayal, lack of trust, the secrets and deception that are crazy making and energy draining. Hopefully, in the course of growing intimacy in your relationship you may want to share some of those events as you disclose to your partner where you were and where you are now. You do so without emotional charge. However, if a secret takes up room, i.e. still has an emotional charge and holds you back from disclosing more and more of yourself in the growing stages of intimacy, you have a problem that needs to be addressed with your partner.

If your interested in the other five crucial steps you can find them here.

On another note. Valentine's day is around the corner. My wish list: to be with the ones I love: ♥ my G - Baby Gabriel :)

Like Always: Drama & Females

2009-02-11T00:04:00.003-05:00

Okay. So I can't help but vent... LOL. So there's this girl who writes on Nych's facebook page right? Saying that she is his other baby mama's best friend and that Nych is a worthless father to his sons. And she also calls out my other female Laura calling her a B**** when all Laura was doing was protecting my girl Kell. So yeah... anyhoo. Throughout her entire message her spelling is horrible. Her grammar is incorrect and then she has the nerve to say that we all need to go back to high school and take proper English? LOL. Wow... sorry that just made me laugh. I'm a senior at Grand Valley State University finishing up my bachelors in Spanish and the other girl she was attacking is finishing up her studies in an aspect in the medical field. Come on now.

Next. I'd like to state that Nych is not a worthless father. Thankyou. He has been here with Gabriel through the ups and downs. He may stumble at times, but who doesn't? I think that for a 21 year old male having two small children he is doing a rather good job. This girl should know that one kid is a handful because she has one herself. One of my close friends has the cutest baby girls and her baby daddy has seen her three times for a total of about 8 hours since she was born and she is almost 4 months old. There isn't a day that I'm grateful I don't have to go through with that. Yes I have gone through other things with him, but as for him being a father he is doing a great job. And finally... why are you all up in his business anyway? Your not his baby mama nor an ex girlfriend or anyone of these. So I'm pretty sure you shouldn't be all up in his business.

So, the moral of my story is... please PEOPLE think before you speak. I already stated what Nych said was wrong. But attacking him on his father skills when you don't even know... that's another story.

P.S. Worthless is one word. Not two. :)

The Dreaded Doctor Visit

2009-02-10T00:04:00.010-05:00

So we all have that one place that we just dread to be. Whether it be the haunted Halloween house, the top of the Eiffel tower or even the dentist, we all have that one place where we dread to go. Today, I realized just why I absolutely dread going to the doctors. Only it wasn't because of me... it was because of my son.

Gabriel had his two month shots today. And it's one of the saddest things to sit there and watch your child cry their eyes out. He got three different shots and just cried and cried and cried. I have never heard him yell and scream this loud. I felt sooooo bad. Nych was there holding his hand, and I was in the background with the camera in my hand about to cry myself. LOL. But I have to remind myself that it's for his benefit :) and I know this... it's just so sad. They should really come up with a better way to do these things. Don't ya think? LOL.

Now Gabriel is running a fever of 102 :( The doctors told us this was common after receiving the shots. I just hate not seeing his smiley face and happy giggly self. He's acting like a completely different baby! I took him up on the counter && was making him a bottle and I was talking and smiling at him and he looked so helpless and sad like, "Momma, why did you let them do this to me?" After making myself look a fool though I finally got him to crack a little itty bitty smile :) Thank goodness. Hopefully my smiles made him feel a little bit better just like his do to me.

I realize how much I rely on that little smile of his nowadays! I guess I can't become that reliant huh? Well here's a video of him getting his shots. Hold on to your horses... you get to see my baby boy Gabriel really shedding those tears!

New Year New Love ♥

2009-02-08T19:34:00.005-05:00

Yes... his name is Gabriel Chance Valentin :) LOL. The love of my life. I cannot believe how fast time has gone! He is already going to be three months on the 18th of this month. He is already trying to roll over and coo and laugh. I just love watching him grow. Here's one of his most recent photos:

He is my little monkey. :) Anyhooters... LOL. Lately things have been kinda bitter-sweet. I have been trying to focus on school, but with my little handsome man I've notice my attention span and drive lagging just a tad. I mean I can't help it... Who would wanna leave those little dimples to go listen to my foreign professor talk about the aging of old people? My point exactly. Haha. I am back to work now... which also sucks. I need the money & it's nice to get a break every once in a while from everything but by the time a couple hours pass I already find myself thinking bout my baby boy.

Last week I applied to the college of education. I procrastinate so much it's ridiculous. And I really don't know how things are going to turn out and if I will be accepted. My G.P.A. for my psychology minor is competely screwed over and I discovered I'm taking a class that I supposedly already took... weird. And I can't drop it because if I drop it I lose my scholarship because you have to have so many credits. Well... I guess my mind was elsewhere when I signed up for classes this semester. Maybe I dunno..... it was on the fact that I was about to have a baby! LOL.

Well I guess that's about all. I'm about to do some homework and then cuddle up with my boys. :) Tomorrow is a busy day. I have my four classes and Gabriel's doctors appointment. He's going to get his shots done :( poor thing... he doesn't know what he's in for. Well I'll talk to you all soooooooon! :) Thanks for stopping by!

1/03/2009

2009-01-04T00:41:00.003-05:00

Once you have a child your whole life changes. No one can quite grasp the concept unless they themselves experience it firsthand. Your child becomes your everything... the reason you wake up in the morning, the reason you wake up period. They become your rock... the one person that will be there no matter what. Their smile brightens any heartache or bad day. They make all the troubles worth while... They are your EVERYTHING.

Ever since I have had Gabriel he has been my everything. I have spent every single day with him and only been apart with him for one night... Even though he cannot speak to me, now he is the only one I tell everything to. And even though he doesn't understand what I'm going through I feel like he's the only one that can console me... I love being his mother and I have no idea what I would do without him now. Which is where I've come to... I am having THE hardest time parting from Gabriel. My whole life I could not wait to have a baby and to raise them to be the best they could be... & now that time is here and with this comes the hardest things in my life... letting him go. When I imagined raising my child, I imagined a family, together... happy. I never imagined that I'd be a single mother having to let my son go... It's the hardest thing I have to do right now and it's so depressing. No one understands... I can't help but question why God even put me in this situation? He brought this beautiful little blessing in my life and expects me to just let him be taken from me? I wanna be there for every first little moment. His first Easter, first steps, first words... and what if he's with his father for those moments? What if I miss those? And I can just see any other female his father has in his life holding my son in their arms, cuddling them, loving them... My heart is literally being torn just thinking about it... Why does it have to be this way?

I don't know what to do anymore... I find myself trying to put things together and to work things out just so I won't be missing out on those moments. I can't be doing this anymore... I'm hurting... I'm afraid... I feel like my son is all I have left... & how could anyone wanna take him from me? This is honestly the HARDEST thing I have ever had to do in my life... I don't wanna be away from my newborn son. :( I don't want to have to go a night without him... Ugh. Why?

11/08/2008

2008-11-08T00:28:00.003-05:00

Hey everyone :) 27 days to go and I get to meet my prince charming!!! I can't wait. I like want each day to just go by already. I know this is pathetic lol... but I wake up every morning just thinking about going back to sleep so the day can go by already! LOL. I feel so much more prepared and ready for him... ugh! I can't wait any LONGER!

My last doctor's appointment my doctor checked me and told me that I was 1.5 dialated. Which could mean two different things... I could have him any day now or I could remain 1.5 dialated till two weeks after my due date with no progress. It really varies among all women. So atleast I have made some progress right? :) Hopefully I make more progress for my next appointment on Monday. I can't wait to go again already! Here's a pic of me @ 36 weeks!! I took it today!

School... eh... I'm kinda slacking. It sucks I know. I just feel so distracted and so unmotivated. I have other priorities now. I keep wishing that next semester I didn't have to go back and I could just take a one semester break. But that's the last semester I get my scholarship... so I would be basically throwing away about $5,000 dollars. Which I cannot afford! So I gotta stick it to it and push through... :(

As for the BD and I... well... there's not much to say. Him and I have gotten better at being parents. I think it's because it's getting closer. I can tell he's getting more excited. But he still chooses to disrespect me @ his moments. I wonder how is it you can tell someone you love them and then treat them the way you do?? Just doesn't seem right... but then again maybe that's just me. And I wonder how you can just look someone straight in their eyes and lie?? Doesn't that seem kinda heartless... again, maybe this is just me.

Well I'm home alone and can't sleep... Gabriel is keeping me up. But I guess I should try and head off to bed... I have a long eight hours of work tomorrow. Night!!

10/28/2008

2008-10-30T00:32:00.003-04:00

Oh Lord...

Where to even begin. Will there ever be an ending to this? Ugh... I've made some big mistakes before in my life... but sometimes I feel like no matter which path I take I seem to end up at the same dead end. I know where I wanna go... I know where I wanna be, but getting there has been more of an obstacle than I ever thought it would be. ESPECIALLY lately. I don't wanna fall back into those ways... questioning every word. I don't wanna get my heart broken again. I don't wanna believe that this time is different, because I honestly feel it's not. But how do you tell your heart to stop? It's like I've let go, yet their is still a piece of me that has that faith... does that faith ever fall through? I wonder if this is just a personal flaw of mine... excessive hope and faith. Hope that someone isn't in it just to hurt you. Hope that things will get better. Hope that they are telling the truth.

And the more and more I fall for this flaw of mine... the more and more it fades. Now I know I'm not broken. I know that I have all the pieces to put together and make this journey worth while. I just feel like I keep letting people take these pieces. And like a little kid they lose them, and the puzzle will never be complete, the pieces never to be found. I'm trying to be more responsible and not let random "children" play with this puzzle of mine... but it seems like whoever I put that little flaw of mine in, they lose the pieces regardless. Ugh... what to do?! There are times where I just wanna give up... and give in. But then that little flaw of mine comes in and there I go again...

I know I'm not the only one like this... there are so many of you out there. Judge me if you'd like... but I know better. I easily forgive. Often too easy. I wear my heart on my sleeve. And it's won over quickly. I fall hard and fast. I often make impulse decisions that aren't always the best. And I listen to my heart more often than my head. Maybe you have made all the right choices, and are successfully finding your path. But I'm quick to admit that that is not me. I'm constantly stumbling... falling... and losing my ground. But... I'm also quick to admit that it has made me who I am. This unconditional loving and hopeful flawed individual. That is me. Melissa Jo. Signed. XOXO. And all I wanna do is find my way. I'm searching for that strength... that strength that will help me get up when I fall. That strength that will guide me in my decisions. And I'll put my flaw in him and hope for the best. Hope. Faith. God. [♥]

10/27/2008

2008-10-27T23:05:00.005-04:00

[[A Letter 2 My Son]]

Dear Gabriel:
Mama loves you so much... there's not any words that can begin to describe how much I love you. It's definitely crazy how much I can love someone who I haven't even seen or held. I am definitely going through so much right now, and you are the string that's holding me together. I know that when you get here things will be all worth while. I can't wait to see your little smile, and have your little fingers wrap around mine. I can't wait to start my life with you. You are and always will be the only man I need in my life. ♥ You are my hope.

Today mama was in your room for like two hours... I can't get enough of you. I organized all your clothes and made everything look all nice. I can't wait for this Sunday when you'll get a bunch more things from all your aunties and grandma and all your friends. :) Ugh... it's gonna make me want you here even more! Hopefully you get some good things that will help us out... I'm definitely worried that mama is gonna struggle doing things alone. But no matter what I promise that I'll always be there for you. And I know that we'll find a way to make it through... I love you so much Gabriel. Your my little gee-baby, my prince, and mi amor para siempre. Well I'm going to try and get some rest... since you don't like to let mommy rest these days! LOL.

[♥] Sweet Dreams Pumpkin [♥]

Love Mama

10/26/2008

2008-10-27T00:05:00.003-04:00

*Sigh* Things are so different from a year ago. A year ago today I was out partying at the Globe Apartments for Nych's 20th birthday... no worries, not looking back. Man. It was such a fun night. LOL. I remember Nych was completely wasted. He was dressed up at Steve Erkel and his costume was perfect. Justin and Kevin were Luigi and Mario. Stephanie was a bumble bee, I was a border patrol officer. It was one crazy night! I remember leaving the party because someone told us the cops were coming... so we headed off to Kevin's house. By that time, I wasn't close to sober. LOL. Which up that point I was taking care of Nych. Haha... and then somehow we ended up in Kevin's bathroom me over the toilet and Nych passed out in the bathtub holding my hair! Haha... I even remember Nych crying when we got to Kev's house because Justin and Kevin got in a fight outside his house and were rolling around on the ground! Haha. Nych was like it's my birthday [as he's pouting his lip] and my best friends are fighting. LMAO. Ohhhhhh goodness. Oh yeah... and then Kevin kicked us out. Which was lovely of you Kevin by the way! LOL. Nych and I somehow made it back to Grand Valley and the next morning I wake up and discovered something rather embarrasing... lol :) [yes I peed the bed]. Hahahahaha... okay okay. It happens! And Nych and I were both still not coherent so we covered it up and went back to sleep. LOL!!! Oh geez. What a fun night. It's definitely a night I won't ever forget. Happy Birthday Nychlas. We're not even talking right now. But hopefully he's safe on his 21st and doesn't get too smashed. He's gonna be a daddy soon :)

Here's a pic from last year:
[[Me. Stephanie. Nych. Justin. Kevin. Leigh & Angie]]

Now a year goes by and look what I'm doing! LOL. I'm laying in bed 8.5 months pregnant and single. LOL.... wooooo-hooooooooooo! Way to go Melissa. LOL. No. It's all good. I'm content with the way things are right now actually. I know that even though my life has definitely changed, things could for sure be way worse. And I am one lucky woman to have things the way that I do right now. Even if they aren't what I thought they were going to be.

One week till my second baby shower with my family! I cannot wait. I should get lots of good stuff from my family and close family friends. My sister and high school best friend Jordan are planning it. I haven't seen Jordan in SUCH a long time and I miss her so much. I remember when we were little girls playing battleship and pretty pretty princess. LOL. I used to always cheat in Battleship and she would get so mad! Haha... :) We have grown up so much! She's getting married and I'm having a baby! Ahhhhh where has the time gone?! I'm really happy for her.

Well anyhoo... enough of my babbling! 39 more days until my little gee-baby is here :) I can't wait!! Sweet dreams <3

10/21/2008

2008-10-22T00:21:00.002-04:00

Hey everyone :) Soooooo... today pretty much was BLAH! LOL. And then after it was over... like an hour ago I started to feel relieved and a TON better. LOL. Probably because eh... nothing I can do about those exams anymore. If I get a bad grade... it's over with! And I finally got to working on my paper that is due on Thursday and got quite far if I say so myself! LOL. So that made me feel 100 times better.

I talked to Nychlas today. Lovely. Haha... I mean we fought... but then finally we made some progress rather than me just yelling and crying. :) That also made me feel better.

Gabriel will be here in officially 45 days! Goodness I cannot FREAKING wait! LOL. I have been walking in and out of his room and looking at his things. I'm like obsessed. Haha... But I'm super excited. You know what I was thinking? It would be really funny if I had a girl. Haha... I mean not to mention that I have all these boy clothes! But Nych already has a tattoo with Gabriel's full name. LOL. So he would be shit out of luck. :) Haha... I told my mom that and she just started laughing. So let's hope Gabriel has a little pee-pee so we don't have troubles. LOL. Although I would love to have a little princess too! Well... I guess there's not much more to say. Just wanted to check in and say goodnight!!

10/19/2008

2008-10-19T23:06:00.003-04:00

Hey everyone! :) Today was a decent day! I woke up and was super excited to head to my first baby shower! My friends Jessica, Sam, Kellie and Eunice threw it for me. It was alot of fun and I got alot of stuff that will help out alot with Gabriel. Thankyou so much to everyone who went and got things for me & my little man. I appreciate it so much you have no idea! The shower just made me so much more excited for him to be here. You have no idea... lol. I came home and have three exams to study for, and I went straight to his room and just started unpacking. I know... such a procrastinator :) I can't help it. LOL.

Now I'm trying to study. I'm so not looking forward to this week. I can't wait till Thursday already... that means I'll be done! I have three exams. Two on Tuesday and one on Wednesday and a huge paper due on Thursday. Blah! Hopefully I can wing it and get a decent grade. My last exam I studied my butt off for and got an A-! I don't think that will be happening for these ones. LOL.

Tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment. I'm excited to check up on my little man. :) It's just a checkup so nothing too important. I didn't talk to BD today yet again. What's new? He wanted to go to the appointment tomorrow, but I can't go get him so he probably won't go. And I don't plan on initiating any type of conversation with him, so if he doesn't text me then he's obviously not going. Oh well. I'm starting to get used to it. Sad but true. It's funny though cause he has on his facebook, "Both names tatted on my arms forever, so much love in my soul wish I could put em together." Whatever that means... I know he thinks about it. I mean... never did I do wrong to this stupid boy [yeah violent terms because I'm so irritated... Gabriel deserves better than what he's giving him right now]. But I mean there's only so much I can do. I am only one person, and I think I'm doing a pretty DARN good job doing this alone. I'm still in school... still in work... and 8 going on 9 months pregnant. Not many woman can say they are able to do this.

I found a couple of songs that fit me perfect at this moment in my life.

One is called Heart of the Matter by Indie Arie: "I've been learning to live without you now. But I miss you sometimes. The more I know, the less I understand. All the things I thought I knew I'm learning them again. I've been trying to get down to the Heart of the Matter..." Another is Rehab by Rihanna: "I guess this is what I get for wishful thinking, I should've never let you enter my door." And there's a couple other songs, Cry by Rihanna and If I Were a Boy by Beyonce. All of these songs have kinda been my anthem the last couple of days :) LOL.

Well I'm off to studying and reading for a bit more. Then going to bed. :) Sweet dreams.

10/18/2008

2008-10-18T23:03:00.002-04:00

It's hard to come to realize why you deserve the things that have knocked you off your feet in your life... today has just been one of those days. I woke up this morning and the entire day has just been in this BLAH state of mind. I just don't understand why things are the way they are. I'm not perfect, and to be honest I am no where near it. But I value my imperfections because they make and have made me who I am today. But I feel as if I'm swamped with the heart aches, the back stabs and the break downs. I look at my friends and feel like they are all living these happy-go-lucky lives... and here I am being torn apart. I mean don't get me wrong, I am blessed to be where I am today. I am a senior in college, have a full-tuition scholarship, have a good paying part-time job, and am blessed with the most beautiful baby boy in my life... it's just I feel like there is this piece of me missing. And that piece is just tearing me apart...

This weekend has been super busy for me. Yesterday I was supposed to get pictures taken, but the girl didn't call me. So that never happened. Hopefully we will reschedule. Then I went back home to my hometown [yes hickville, where they grow onions and have cows] lol... I went to the football game for a little bit because my cousin Bryan was on homecoming court. It's been forever since I've been to a highschool football game. There were so many people there... it was definitely not the place to be for a moody pregnant woman. LOL. But overall it was still pretty fun. Today I woke up and went to my cousin's baby shower. I got to see all my family which is always a good time. And then after that my mom and sister and I headed to my uncle's annual halloween bonfire. I only stayed for a little while because I wanted to come back and do some studying. But like always... I have ADD I swear and get sidetracked.

I haven't talked to BD since like Thursday night. He owes me money... and I discovered today that he bought his lovely "friend" so he calls her, a dozen roses and a bunch of other things for sweetest day. Lovely... I was so irritated at first. Obviously he doesn't think it's that important to get me my money. But then it just got me... like ugh! How can someone be so heartless? Two months of being together every single day and then... BAM! And yeah... NO ONE understands. I don't wanna be treated the way I was treated... or go through what I went through anymore... but being 8 months pregnant... your emotions play with your head. I mean who wants to be the single mom? Who wants to have a newborn child by themselves? It's scary. I mean I have no idea how I am going to do it. I really don't. Go to school... go back to work... have a newborn... My parents aren't here. I live on my own. It's just all a big mess and frankly support from him isn't happening. He's too occupied with his "friend" who loves to rub things in my face talking bout, "what goes around comes back around," and calling me, "crazy and desperate." Lovely.

So this is what I mean by a piece of me missing... it's just like I have all this stuff going for me... and it's just not coming together. It's depressing. And it doesn't help when you have people trying to bring you down even more. But... I'm trying to stay strong. Tomorrow Jessica is throwing me my first baby shower so I'm hoping that will help me keep my mind off things! I can't wait to see all my girls and for Gabriel to get spoiled. I cleaned out his room two nights ago and am ready to start moving things in and hopefully will get his crib this week as well! If there is anything holding me together right now, it's Gabriel. I can't wait for him to be here. Well I guess I better be off. I gotta get up early and have lots to do.

Love,
Melissa Jo

10/15/2008

2008-10-15T17:14:00.001-04:00

Hey everyone. It's been a while since I've updated on my blog! But the plan is to attempt to get on here more often... key word: attempt. LOL. Things have been all right lately. Nych and I were together for two months... and then BAM things change. What's new? It's okay though. At first yeah, I admit I was trippin. But I have come to realize a lot of things... and I know that things will get better in time. Whether he's in the picture or not. :) There are days where he'll text me saying he misses me and blah blah blah [I call this his "game-time."] and there are days where he doesn't even text to ask about Gabriel. I'm ready to have my little prince here already so I can have a steady predictable relationship. Rather than one where I never know what the next day brings!

I am 32 weeks and 5 days pregnant as of today! And every day I wake up I feel more and more like a fat cow. LOL. My last appt. they told me I only gained a total of 10 pounds through the whole pregnancy. I was up to twelve and then lost two pounds... of course! My doctor didn't seem too worried about it... but she made it known that I should be a little above what I'm at right now. Woopsies. LOL. Hopefully I don't gain too much though in the next couple of months... I wanna be able to get back on my workout routine after baby is here! I'm ready to be done being a fat hippo! LOL. Here's a pic of me @ 32 weeks prego!

Nych and I finally decided on a name. Gabriel Chance Valentin. :) I love it. I can't wait to meet him. Technically I only have 51 days to go. I can't wait till he's here... but I feel so unprepared. This weekend is my baby shower! My BFF Jessica is throwing it for me... I'm super excited and can't wait to see what I get! :) Well I guess that's a quick update for now! I'll be back later. Ta-Ta! :)

08/05/2008

2008-08-05T15:44:00.001-04:00

Day 7 no Nychlas and it's getting harder I have to admit... I mean how can you not think about somebody when your carrying around their offspring in your belly?!? I wish it were easier. I wonder if he thinks about me and whats going on his head. But then I think how silly I must be, that he's probably out with some other girl or with his son living his happy little life. Last night I had a dream that I was in a fist fight with him... lol. I must really be angry. And it wasn't like a pussy fight either. It was a full on fist fight like beating eachother. I think my son is like haunting me with this whole ordeal of not talking to him... I wake up and BAM he's kicking me in the ribs like "MOM" get your ass in gear. LOL. I wish things were different.... and the situation definitely sucks. But I know that its whats best until he realizes that women don't deserve to be respected the way that he has respected me, or lack there of.

I've started to finally get my room packed up... even though I still have alot more to go. It's definitely sad moving out of there... I've had so many memories made there, but I am definitely ready for a fresh start! I can't wait to move in with my cousin to our new place. Our landlord is kinda cooky though. But it should be a new beginning and I'm definitely looking forward to it. We should be able to move in by this Saturday, or atleast start to move things in. Sunday night I head back home so that early Monday morning I can be off to North Carolina for my vacation. I can't wait to see Jessica! I miss her alot... and I get to relax and be away from things finally!

As soon as I get back I work an unbelievable amount of hours the following week and then the next week it's back to class........ which ugh. I am DEFINITELY not looking forward too. I think it's because I'm scared that I'm not going to be able to handle it. At first I think I'll be okay but then once I start to get farther along I worry it's going to get too much and my school focus is gonna fall apart and my stress level will go out the roof. But..... I just pray that things work out okay.

Well I'm at work so I guess I should be doing something productive. Wait?! What am I kidding? LOL. There's nothing for me to do right now. So I'll just eat my PB&J and try and keep my mind occupied.

Love,
Melissa Jo

07/30/2008

2008-07-30T23:22:00.000-04:00

Day #2 with new phone number and I couldn't be doing better. I pray to God that I stay strong through this... at least for a while. I wasn't surprised when I found out that Nych was unfaithful to his word. Rather disgusted and disappointed with myself. My heart tells me to love him and give him a chance... but after so many chances I need to realize that he is not going to change. And I need to do whats best for me and my son now... and putting up with the constant stress and drama that he places in my life is not whats best. Soooooo I am putting my foot down and standing up for my son and myself. I love my little man and he deserves whats best and so do I. It's amazing how relieved I feel...

Today I worked in the morning. Afterwards I went out to eat with Eunice at the Olive Garden. I was craving their salad soooooo bad. You have no idea. LOL. Then when we were eating I got to thinking how financially unstable I am... and how in the hell am I going to raise a kid with the money I have if I don't even have enough money to live for myself?? It started to get me kind of depressed. I mean I am 21 years old go to school full time and haven't lived off my parents for two and a half years. I think I'm doing good right? But add a kid to the situation and things change. I'm really worried about what I am going to do... I'm going to be so stressed in school and pregnant. And we all know Nych is not going to be a helpful source... it's been since like February since he has had a job and he has two kids now! Ugh... I just pray that God will put it in his hands and make things out to what they are supposed to be.

Names for the baby... well lets just say I am struggling! It's so hard to even imagine that your picking a name for someone that they will have for the rest of their life! Nych brought up the name Landyn. Which I didn't like at first but now it's kinda growing on me... I always liked the name Jaxen. But now I don't know... it's iffy. Ugh... I guess I'll have to continue to sleep on it.

Well I'm off to bed. I'm discussing Nych's lies to his baby mama over facebook. Which I don't know even why I bother because no matter what she finds out a week later I feel like they sleep together again... but anyways. NIGHT NIGHT!

07/27/2008

2008-07-27T22:52:00.000-04:00

21 weeks and 2 days along things are bitter sweet... I feel baby kick constantly and it's the most amazing feeling in the world. It's crazy how much I love my little peanut and I haven't even physically seen him. I can tell already that he is literally going to be my world.

Today I was at home with the family for the day. I was watching tv and placed the remote control on my tummy and watched it as it randomly would be bumped by the baby. It was the cutest thing ever and had me grinning from ear to ear. Dad seems to be excited about my little man. He asks about the doctors app0intments all the time. Its good to know he's concerned and accepting of everything. It makes me feel better and more at ease even though I knew he would always be there for me.

Nych and I... ugh. There isn't really much to say. It brings to me to tears almost every time I talk about it because it's so hard. I think the reason I get so upset is because I wish that the situation was completely different. This isn't what I envisioned when I thought of my first child. Me alone. Always arguing with him. Him going out and dating other people. I just don't understand why I was put in this situation. And it hurts alot. And I keep telling myself to be strong and to dig through it... but there are moments where I just crash and fall to pieces. I'm scared. Petrified. And being alone during those times is absolutely horrible. I do not wish it upon anybody. I'm starting to see another side of him... a selfish side that seriously makes me sick to my stomach. He went to the ultrasound with me to find out the sex of the baby. But things just aren't the same... and it's hard for me to accept.

I guess I'm just leaving things up for grabs and hoping for the best... but I know as soon as I see my little man things will all be worth while.

Love,
Melissa Jo